Your problem seems to be that if your wife didn't see it or it wasnt about her, it's like it didn't happen at all and her only problem is having to deal with you being upset.
If the kid throw a toy or disrespect you, without you getting too upset, take him to the corner (for example, find what your wife is ok with).
When she ask what's happening , be really clear with one main reason: 'He threw the toy on the TV' or 'He called me ....' , if you are not really upset, it's easier for her to put an end to the issue.
I know exactly how you feel as I am a stepfather for 5 kids. At times it was like she would disagree with me just to prove she's in charge of them or something.
The way the kids learned how to exploit my wifes fears and anxiety is amazing and they really know how to start at home what I call 'middle school drama' just to get their way sometimes.