Confused Parent

may_flowers77 · #1 (**permalink**) 09-26-2010, 6:26 AM

I'm a mom of a 12 yr old daughter and soon to be 11 yr old son. The past year with my daughter has been quite difficult. At times I feel completely clueless...am I parenting wrong..is it just the way things are this day and age? It's frustrating to say the least. The constant arguing and debating with her has me wore down so emotionally that I really don't know what to do anymore. My husband and I are very active in our kids lives...we attend all sporting practices and games..encourage them to try different things...go to open houses..parent teacher conferences...do a lot of family functions...work hard to give them things..basically we do what any loving parent should do and somehow we feel like complete failures as parents.
My daughter and I have a rocky relationship...I have recently enlisted in the help of counseling and she had her first session last week, but in the mean time I feel like I need some other form of support to help me through this.
One of the struggles her and I battle over are her friends-I have stopped her from hanging around a few...she finds a new one and the are just as bad or worse then the last. Am I only making things worse by forbidding her to hang around certain friends?
For instance this is a situation I dealt with this weekend-my daughter asked me on Thursday if she could go to the movies with her friend on Friday..said the friends mom would drop them off and pick them up...I said OK. Well Friday comes..I let her walk home (to our house) with the friend. They were supposed to say at the house until I got home where then I would drive them to the friends house. I was at the store with my son getting him a new pair of football spikes, she calls me and told me she was at the playground and would be home soon...first off, she was NOT supposed to be at the playground and second, she left the house without asking which is a definite NO NO and she knows this. Come to find out they left the house to go meet the friends boyfriend! I had a discussion with my daughter and basically told her what she did was unacceptable and explained to her that god forbid something were to happen..I had no clue where she was. In the end she agreed that she was in the wrong and vowed not to do it again. So, on the way dropping them off to the friends house for the movie (which I question myself should I have even let her go after that stunt) I asked my daughter just to be sure if the other mom was taking them and picking them up from the movie and my daughter replies with "ya, i think so" I was like well you told me she was..I explained to my daughter that if it were not the case she would not be able to go to the movies cuz my son had ftball pract and I would not be able to be in 2 places at once..told her I would just talk to the mom when I dropped them off...I get there and ask the mom and to my surprise the other mom and no idea about the movies..the other mom told me that her daughter asked if she could go to the movies with a different friend...after a bit of figuring out..the other mom said if the girls wanted to go tht she would drive them to and from...so that ended that dilema...(still thinking to myself should I have let her go after all tht happ'd??) The other mom and I continue on talking and she proceeds to tell me that last Friday she was driving home and passed the kids walking home after school and caught her daughter kissing a boy, her boyfriend...I was quite appalled and stated to the mother that my daughter is NOT allowed to date. Also, where this took place was a main road in our town and I didn't want ppl to see my daughter with kids who do that kind of stuff... She assured me my daughter was no a guilty party to this and she was just walking with the other group of kids. It sort of made me feel better to hear my child was not doing such a thing. We finished up our convo and I took my son to his practice. All the while I was brewing about what had transpired over the previous few hours..thinking to myself what could I have done to handle it better. Again, should I have not allowed my daughter to go to the movies?
Then today... my son had a ftball game and my daughter had cheering...her friend rode her bike to our house and hitched a ride with us to the game..with in 10 mins of being there the friend was on the cell phone with the boyfriend and then he shows up to the game...the friend leaves with the boyfriend. I was highly agitated....because I do not condone dating at the age of 12...did she tell her mom she was going with us knowing she was gonna ditch the game and go off with the boyfriend? I don't want to have any part in that crap..so when the game was over my daughter called her friend to tell her we were leaving(after all we did take her there so I didn't feel right leaving without offering a ride back) and to ask where she was and the friend was indeed at the boyfriends house. Should I have called the friends mother to inform her of the situation? idk? I don't want the mother to think she was with us all day when she wasn't..I can't say for sure whether or not the mother would have cared anyways..After we got home I had a talk with my daughter and told her that her friend was going to be the next one she isn't gonna be allowed to hang around with...that chasing boys and kissing them esp in the public like that is not acceptable...it of course turned into an arguing match..my daughter saying it's not her fault tht her friend does those things and how it's not fair that I keep taking her friends away bcuz of wht they do...how it's not fair tht I yelled at her when she's not the one who was doing anything wrong so on and so forth. In the end, wht is the right thing for me to do? Do I forbid my daughter from hanging around with this girl? Do I take away yet another friend and have my daughter dislike me more than she already does? I just want to put my daughter in a bubble and protect her from and/everything...do I keep taking away her friends out of fear that she will make mistakes? I would like to think my daughter will not follow wht her friends do...I would like to think that the things I've talked to and taught her about will help her make wise decisions. Am I protecting her too much or giving her too much freedom? I haven't even hit the teen years yet...if this is wht I'm going through at 12 yrs old...wht is in store for the next 8 yrs..how will I make it through? Kids these day *sigh*[

PattyD · #2 (**permalink**) 10-05-2010, 4:17 PM

I have 3 teenagers so I know where you are coming from. The friends our kids hang out with play a huge part in how our kids behave. My dad used to say about our friends, "if you hang around in the gutter, you will eventually get dirty" I found that to be true and a couple of occassions. I was always in akward situations when I was around bad friends. Unfortunately we can't pick the friends we want our kids to hang around with.

I wouldn't recommend demanding that she not hang out with this friend. But you both can come up with consequences to the choices she makes when she hangs out with this friend. Both of you decide together who is going to the movies, what they are going to see, and when and how they are coming home. Make the ground rules very clear. Then before hand, decide on the consequences to breaking those rules. She needs to decide in advance. If she is anything like my kids, you are going to want to right it down on paper.

Then when she breaks the rules, she has already determined the consequence. And both of you are going to have to live by it, or it will happen over and over again. We never want to assume that are kids will screw up, but your daughter has to develop that trust that she has obviously lost.

Maybe you should ask your daughter questions about this friend. It would be best if she had your undevided attention and she did all of the talking. What does she like about this friend? What kinds of things does she have in common with her? How does it make her feel when her friend disobeys her mother. How does she feel about this girls boyfriend? Does she disobey your rules because her friend pressures her?

This will allow some dialog and if you ask the right questions, she will see that maybe this isn't exactly the kind of friend she wants to hang out with.

Hopefully that helps.

Patty

may_flowers77 · #3 (**permalink**) 10-11-2010, 7:14 PM

Thank you for the reply.
My daughter isn't even a teenager...you are raising 3..bless you.
I feel it is so hard to parent these days. I think back to when I was growing up and if I did half the things my daughter does and says to her father and I...I would have gotten my butt whooped. I don't ever recall being so disrespectful to an elder such as the way kids are today. I'm not saying I was a perfect kid...I did make some mistakes and I paid for them. It taught me real quick. Now a days you can't even raise your hand to your child without them warning you they can call CPS. My aunt when through an incident where her son wanted to be out till all hours of the night and sometimes days on end...being he was 16 she couldn't force him to come home, nor kick him out..yet being he was a minor she was responsible for his actions if he were to get a curfew violation or vandalize property. With that said I feel as though kids know they have the upper hand and they try to get away with as much as they can. And it makes parenting these day tough. I hope things with my daughter don't become that complex..I hope, I pray anyways.
In the case with my daughter...I have elected not to ban her from hanging around every friend I disapprove of..but rather limit the amount of time she hangs with them and be more pro active as to the things they are doing and places they go.
My recent issues is with my daughters grades...we attended parent teacher conf's last week and she has been pulling the wool over our eyes yet again. Before school started she asked if we could give her space and not be breathing down her back all the time about homework and such so she could prove she was responsible. We gave her that and she failed. I would however ask her daily if she had any papers I needed to see and if her homework was finished...in 5 weeks I had not seen one paper and was told her homework was done....parent teach conf's proved that to be a lie. I was furious. I wanted to take away everything from her...computer/ipod/tv/hanging with friends but in talking with the teachers about this they told me it would make her rebel more than anything...so I feel my hands are tied. It's so frustrating to feel helpless to a 12 yr old child and that my child basically runs the house. If I had my way, my daughter would have been grounded for the next 5 weeks..that is when report cards are due out, until she proved she was capable of being mature and responsible by doing her homework and earning decent grades. She has an A+ in Science..D's & F's in everything else. She only looks at the A and thinks it's good...I try to explain to her that we all know she is capable of better and she goes on the rant of how we just need to accept she is never going to be perfect..we tell her it's ok to be imperfect, but it's not ok to do half *** jobs and get mediocre grades when she has the potential to be a B student. The teachers love her as in she is a bright student who is very respectful in school and is the light of the class room, and an upbeat bubbly child. She has always been a social butterfly and I think it's a good thing..but it is interfering with school in a big way.
I basically feel she is getting away with murder...getting crappy grades, not doing school work and if we take things away from her it will make her rebel even more...so what does a parent do? I feel she had 5 weeks to prove to us she was capable...but she proved otherwise. I was all for taking everything away from her...my husband felt as though we tell her that was her one and only shot, she blew it so she gets no other chances..in 5 weeks when we get her report card and she still has crappy grades & missing homework then she's getting punished. I feel as though that's giving her a free pass..idk, maybe I'm to tough on her??? So basically for the time being she is not grounded and nothing has been taken away from her. To me that equals no consequence to her actions. On top of this pre-teen crap my daughter is also ADHD..she has always been a difficult child...from womb to present. It's sad to say it. but I feel we are going to have problems with her forever. She is currently in counseling, so I pray that will help some... it seems to be a pattern...she's good when she wants something and when she cant have or do something she's rotten and disrespectful. Oh, and recently has become a vegetarian...she has over the past 3 yrs been an on and off vegetarian...this time I think it's a control thing...such as "mom can make me do everything else, but mom can't make me eat meat if I don't want to" I talked to her about it..asked her Why she doesn't want to eat meat..she says she doesn't feel it's humane to eat animals who are held captive to be killed. I don't force her to eat meat and I do buy her morning star (fake) meat foods...I'm sure this phase will pass one day...who knows...I keep wondering, "What next"
I try to think on the positive side...such as having a child who is healthy, 10 fingers and toes...I guess it could always be worse..but some days I question god "WHY" are you putting me thru this

darrenarmstrong · #4 (**permalink**) 01-10-2011, 9:47 PM

first of all ive read the page and can relate to the problems your facing i too have a 13 yr old daughter and a 12 yr old son,both very different,i have had concerns aroud premiscores behaviour and the wrong crowd syndrome...maybe these tips will help you ..and im a single father ....first of all take a deep breath exhale slowly for ten seconds ! ok done ?.................calmly explain in a way she is to undertsand i.e not losing it (in which i have done in the past) the safety aspect's and consiquences not punishment ! for example '' its not me kissing these boys!'' ''they tell me to do it'' this can be done by not forbidding them interaction with peer groups in which leads to rebellious outburst's which is not healthy .instead encourage them but set the boundaries !....i myself use this often for example as ive seen in the posting......my son wants to hang around on the streets with his peers that im not at all happy about (bad influences) i instead of excluding them include there freindship by supervising them .the difference i have noticed is these kids have far too many expectations,rights....thus making it harder to parent as how we were parented .

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