03-03-2011, 8:46 PM
|
|||
|
|||
18 y.o. On her Own
I need some objective advice:
For two years our recently turned 18 year old daughter has been involved with a boy 2 years older. We have heard nothing good about this boy and have had numerous run-in's with him. His parents, however, are very nice people, but he is their youngest child, is over 18 and they have been a bit more open about this situation than we have. After 1 1/2 years of fighting this relationship which involved, numerous arguments, her sneaking and lying constantly about her whereabouts, and family disruption (we have two other daughters now 12 and almost 15) we decided to allow her to date this boy. We had fairly strict rules, but not out of the ordinary, one date night per week, no visits to his apartment, talking on the phone allowed, nothing past 10 p.m. on weeknights. (of course, they have never really adhered to these rules as when I check the phone bill they talk often and late, but we really didn't have a huge problem with it as long as it wasn't a school night - we tried to pick and choose our battles) They were both happy with this arrangement. We've had a little bit of issue with him being controlling and have noticed that she doesn't do anything with her friends any more, but we figure that is something she needs to learn on her own. The problem is that since she turned 18 (1 month ago!) she is thinking that she can just go and do what she wants at anytime, with this boy. We have never demanded that she work because of her school/sports schedule, but have always told her that once sports are over she will need to get a part time job for some spending money. Well, now, sports are over, she has a very light class schedule (as do most seniors, though she gets very good grades) she is refusing to get a job (the boyfriend works construction with his dad and they have not worked since before Christmas), wants to run around with the boy all the time and has very little respect for us. She has taken to lying again and sneaking around and when confronted about it becomes defensive and contemptable. Last night she waltzed in around 6 p.m. after being told that she needed to go home after school. We spoke to her in civil tones about the rules and that she wasn't going to be running around 3-4 nights during the school week and that she needed to get a job. She proceeded to tell us that we had made her life miserable, we were the reason that she lies all the time and that we were bad parents. I told her that I was ready for her to go to college and find out what it is like to have to be responsible for yourself and not blame others for your actions. I told her that she was visibly unhappy whenever she was home and it was evident that she wanted nothing to do with us and her sisters, it's all about waiting for date night and the next text to come in. In the end (again, no voices were ever raised), she decided that she was leaving our house and had her boyfriend pick her up and she did not return. I am so upset with this turn of events. I want her to come home, but am not willing to allow her to dictate what she wants to do. Plus, what type of example does it set for her sisters who have witnessed this turmoil for two years and basically believe that this boy is a loser and that their sister is completely disrespectful as well? I need advice on where to proceed from here!! My husband and I love our kids, they have always come first in our lives, and have sacrificed to make sure they have a good home and educational funds for the future, we rarely miss anything they are in and try to spend a great deal of time with them. We are sick about this whole thing. Help!             
|
|
03-04-2011, 11:54 AM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Ugh! My oldest is only 12 so I am not in a position to offer advice, but I so feel for you. This is the type of thing I worry about so much as my kids are entering the teen age years.
Hopefully someone will come along who can give you some useful suggestions.
|
|
03-07-2011, 11:37 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Iyee, this seems all to familiar although the 18year old was me. I do not yet have a teenage child so I can only respond through my experience as an 18year old girl. My family at the time was incredibly strict with me. No dating at all, was not even allowed to speak with boys on the phone. At 17yrs I met my first 'real' boyfriend at school who was 2 years older. This became a huge issue for my parents as I see it has for your situation as well. My parents kept trying to control me, keep me in a little box and were either in denial that I had real feelings for this guy, or they simply did not want to address that this had happened to their little girl. Of course, any teen that is told they can't do something they want to do, will find a way regardless and unfortunately that usually means sneaking around and lying. In my case it led to both, and by mid year I had moved out of my parents home, never to return. My family are very close now as things naturally repaired themselves. I'm not going to get into the downhill spiral that began after the move but here is the only advise I can give. If you want to make sure your daughter is safe, and be involved in her life, it may be time for you to bend a little. Not entirely, just a bit so she can see that you are really trying because you love her so much. I only say this because it you don't, you really may lose her. If you can get a hold of her, see if you can set up a meeting. Talk to her. Tell her you are willing to bed on a few matters to make her happy but that she in turn needs to bend a bit for you. You decide where your bending will be but it needs to be something that will still allow her to date this guy, still see him throughout the week, but reminding her that she also still needs to focus on her future and what that entails.
The teen years are very difficult ones and most teens seem to think that anyone with authority or power is out to get them so-to-speak. Let her know that's not you guys and that all you want is for her to be happy. Remind her that you were young once too and that a world without rules would lead to chaos. Maybe throw in a few jokes about your own teen years to lighten the subject and try to come to some sort of an agreement that you will both be ok with. She is going to to whatever she wants anyways but maybe after your talk she will see things a bit differently and you can come to a mutual arrangement. I hope this helped somewhat and I wish you much luck.
|
|
04-02-2011, 5:11 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
I say let her be in the world she so desires to be in, she will discover food doesn't magically appear on the table, trips to the mall don't result in a bag full of new clothes when you have no money, she will discover (the hard way, which it seems high time she do) that the sports and activities she had in your home were privledges. If she has never failed at something, how can she understand what it is like to fail? That logic may not fit entirely, but essentially she has to rid HERSELF of this guy, and running to him, she will spend some time there and realize it's not the fairy tale it was in her head, when reality hits, be there for her, be forgiving, but be firm, under your roof there are rules to be followed. When she can be responsible with a job/school/future, then lengthen the rope, but until then, despite the magic "18" age that she is, she lives under your roof, if she chooses another roof, then she will have to follow the rules there. Hang tough, it's not an easy thing to do, but remember you are setting an example for the two in the warming up stage, and you are likely to have an easier time with them based on how you handle this.
|
|
04-22-2011, 2:49 PM
|
|||
|
|||
18 y.o. On her Own
I must first say that my heart goes out to you and I feel your pain. I am also no expert and I don’t want to pretend I am. What I can say for you all is good for you. She gave you the easier route by leaving. I’m not trying to offend you but I have a point to make. My 18 year old did the same thing. She started rebelling in the worst way since she turned 18. When she started coming in whenever she wanted and ignoring my telephone calls while out, I decided to get a deputy to talk to her to give her a little reality check. They kindly asked if she were working…of which she isn’t. The deputy quickly told her that she should be kissing my feet. He also told her if she didn’t want to obey the rules in my house that she could leave. He informed me that if she continued to act up that I could go to the county courthouse and obtain an eviction notice. I wanted her to hear my rights as well as hers from a higher authority. I recognize that she is an “adult” but she has a long way to go when it comes to being responsible and accountable. I also recognize that this is the life she is choosing not the one that was passed down to her. To hang out with bad company, to skip curfew, to have a loser boyfriend….not my choosing at all. She has to stand on her own choices without blaming me for her setbacks or whatever. What I am saying to her is this….you can do whatever you want but just not in my house. So I obtained an eviction notice after she continued the same behavior and almost caused me to be evicted. I am now waiting for our court date. The least that I expect to obtain from this court appearance is that she would understand that she cannot do whatever she wants to do in my home. I will never beg or bow down to my daughter. Just like you said, “I am not willing to allow her to dictate what she wants to do.” I say, she will continue to do what she wants by telling you “yes” and do something totally opposite. She has heard your idle threats…she has heard your demands and yet she has ignored you. Do not beg for her to come back especially without a humble and changed spirit. I also have a toddler that is very impressionable of which she is not being a good example. I am with you on the lack of respect. I too experience this but since I had the eviction papers served and told her that I was sooooo tired, she has backed down. Only thing is my teenager is very manipulative and cunning so I’ve got to go the distance on this. You’ve got to be strong and not beg for her to come back. Remember she knows your soft side. Just remember she is not your “baby” anymore. You have already raised your 18 year old. It’s now time her to make a path for herself with what you all have taught her. Do not be afraid. She needs to learn to appreciate and respect your home and what you have provided for her in these 18 years. I believe the only way she will do that is by making some mistakes and this she must experience firsthand. God bless you, your daughter, and your family. This is the beginning of a new stage for both your daughter and your family members. Stay prayerful…it will all work out in the end.
|
 |
| Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests) | |
| Thread Tools | |
| Display Modes | |
|
|
Linear Mode
